


Mother Effing Walk-Off

by faithharkness



Category: Farscape, Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 14:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7109686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithharkness/pseuds/faithharkness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones end up on the other end of a wormhole.  Jack takes the wardrobe of one of the people they meet as a challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mother Effing Walk-Off

**Author's Note:**

> I am slowly but surely moving more of my Torchwood fics over to AO3.

“Bloody wormholes,” Ianto groaned, shaking his head.

Jack cracked his jaw. “Gotta love teleporting without a ship.”

“Again, your definition of love is greatly different than mine,” Ianto muttered.

“Labels, labels.”

“Hah! I _told_ you! Wormhole activity! Although why the signal is so small…” the voice trailed off as its owner turned the corner. “Who the hell are you!” he shouted, pulling out a rather large gun.

_Great. Another bloody American,_ Ianto thought.

“Well _hello_ there!” Jack said, Grinning. He fairly licked his lips at the leather pants clinging to the other man’s muscular legs. If only he could get him to turn around…

“Jack!” Ianto hissed, knowing the direction Jack’s thoughts were going in.

The man with the Big Gun paused. “Hands up!”

“Please let the next words out of your mouth be ‘and pants off’,” Jack said.

“Jack!” Ianto repeated. However, he could understand Jack’s fascination with the man’s leather-bound physique.

The tall, dark-haired woman with a Bigger Gun standing beside the man said something that was unintelligible to Jack and Ianto.

“Sorry, what was that?” Jack asked.

“Wait, you can’t understand her, but you can understand me?” the man asked.

“Yes.”

He threw back his head and laughed. “Hell, yeah. Please tell me you’re from Earth!” he said, lowering his gun slightly.

“We are,” Ianto supplied.

“Did you open the wormhole yourself? Can you re-open it to get back?”

“It’s…complicated,” Jack hedged.

“Doesn’t matter. Damn, Winona and I are glad to see you!”

Jack smiled at the dark-haired woman. “Nice to meet you, Winona.”

The man laughed. “No, this is Winona,” he said, gesturing with his gun. “That’s Aeryn. She’s not quite as glad to see you as I am.”

“Oh, I’m sure I can find away to charm her around,” Jack said.

Aeryn raised an eyebrow and aimed her gun at his chest.

“Yeah, she can understand everything you say,” the man said. “Sorry, where are my manners?”

Aeryn suggested something.

The man ignored her. “John Crichton. The lovely lady with the very large weapon is Aeryn Sun.”

Ianto tilted his head to her. “Miss. A pleasure, I’m sure. I’m Ianto Jones and he is Jack Harkness.”

“Captain,” Jack added.

Aeryn said something to Crichton, nodding at Ianto.

“No, sorry. He’s one of a kind. But you can travel with us and I can find you someone similar,” Jack said.

Ianto looked at him.

Jack shrugged. “I pick up languages pretty quickly.”

“Says the man who’s lived in Wales a hundred years and still can’t speak Welsh,” Ianto replied.

Jack pointed at Aeryn. “ _Her_ language at least has vowels!”

Ianto rolled his eyes and turned to Crichton. “Is there a way to get us back home?”

“I’ve been trying for years. Got myself lobbed here by a shuttle experiment. You?”

“Over-rambunctiousness with a vortex manipulator,” Ianto replied.

“A what?” Crichton asked.

Aeryn watched with an amused smile as Crichton cooed over the technology wrapped around Jack’s wrist. Ianto chuckled as Jack showed off various features.

“You know, give me some time with this and I could probably get us all back home,” Crichton said, his fingertips resting lightly against the leather.

Jack winked at Ianto. “It’s my hardware. Gets them every time.”

Crichton snorted and looked up at him. “Does that level of cheese actually work on anyone?”

“Works on him.”

Crichton turned to look at Ianto. “Really?”

“It’s one of the many delusions I allow him to have,” Ianto admitted.

“Hey!”

“Well, it certainly can’t be his taste in clothes. I mean, come on!” Crichton said.

Aeryn said something to him.

“My outfit was perfectly acceptable for traveling in a space shuttle,” Crichton countered.

She rolled her eyes.

Crichton turned back to Ianto. “I will, however, admit that the leather pants suit me _much_ better,” he said, smiling.

“Indeed,” Ianto said, eyeing him.

“Hey!” Jack repeated.

Aeryn chuckled, giving Crichton a lusty once-over herself.

“That’s IT! There’s only one way to settle this,” Jack said. He stormed over to Aeryn. “You got a spare pair of those lying around?” he asked, pointing at the leather pants.

“Jack—” Ianto began.

“Nnnt!” Jack replied, holding a hand up.

“Yeah, come on, Harkness. No need to get upset,” Crichton said, smiling.

“Oh, it is _on_ , Crichton! We are having a mother fucking _walk-off_!”  
****

After much debate—Jack didn’t trust Aeryn to fall for his charms and couldn’t trust Ianto not to vote for Crichton out of spite—Crichton suggested having another crew member be the judge.

“If it’s David Bowie, I’m leaving,” Ianto muttered to Jack.

“Did I ever tell you about that time he and I—”

Ianto slapped his hand over Jack’s mouth. “Don’t. Want. To know.”

Aeryn went to fetch their would-be judge as Crichton led Jack to the wardrobe, leaving Ianto to “stand there and look pretty”, as Jack had put it.

Ianto turned at the sound of voices and watched Aeryn walk toward him, conversing animatedly with a woman who was…blue.

“Zhaan,” Aeryn said, pointing at the blue woman.

Ianto inclined his head. “A pleasure to meet you,” he said to her.

Zhaan returned the gesture, then turned to Aeryn and said something.

Although he didn’t understand the words the women were exchanging, something about their tone and look had him blushing furiously.

“Hey, now, I’m the only one who’s allowed to turn him that shade of pink,” Jack said as he rejoined them.

Ianto almost swallowed his tongue at the sight of Jack in tight leather pants and a tight white t-shirt.

“You like?” Jack asked, winking at Ianto. He turned a slow, tight pirouette for Ianto. “It’s been a while since I wore something like this. Once saved the human race in a pair of these. And you!” he said, spotting Zhaan. “You are just _gorgeous._ ”

Zhaan smiled and replied.

“Hey now, no judge tampering!” Crichton protested.

“Who’s trying to influence the judge? I’m being honest here.”

Jack’s wrist strap beeped. “Oh, come on!” he wailed, looking at it. He then lifted his head and aimed a decidedly wolfish grin at Ianto and Zhaan. “Five minutes. That’s enough time, I think.”

Crichton tossed a bag Ianto presumed held Jack’s clothes to him. “Let’s do this thing. Sooner I kick your ass, the sooner you two are out of here.”

Ianto and Aeryn let out similar sighs. 

Jack and Crichton took up position at the opposite end of the hallway.

“After you,” Jack said.

“Oh, no. I’m the home team. I get last bats. After _you_ ,” Crichton replied.

Jack nodded and sauntered—really, there was no other word for it—down the hall toward his audience, winking at Ianto and blowing Zhaan a kiss before returning to the other end. Crichton, in his turn, sauntered with a little less grace and a little more ‘aw shucks’ before smiling at Aeryn.

This continued for the next several minutes, with different paces; running; mock shooting while running; jumping; skipping—skipping!; and an odd combination of twists, turns and a high kick.

Ianto was fiddling with his collar, wanting to get Jack home _now_.

Jack came down the hall one last time, his gait easy and mouth-watering. He smiled at Ianto, turned around, and bent over to grab his ankles.

“Oh, for the _love_!” Crichton yelled. However, he did hurry down to stand beside Jack, matching his position.

Ianto stopped breathing for a moment and he was pretty sure he heard Zhaan purr.

A bright light to the left of them shook him back into a more normal respiratory rhythm.

“Wormhole, Jack. Time for you to go home,” Crichton said, turning to look at Jack.

“Not until I get a verdict,” he replied, Grinning.

“Jack, we have to go!” Ianto said.

“Zhaan?” Jack questioned.

The blue woman paused.

Ianto thought quickly. As hot as this was, he didn’t want to be stuck here forever. There was only one thing he could do; one trick he could rely on. The one thing that never failed him.

“Jack,” Ianto said, his voice pitched low. 

Jack turned to look at Ianto. “Yes?” he asked, eyebrow raised. He loved that particular tone of voice.

“Take me home to our bed, you callipygian god.”

“Fuck!” Jack growled. He stood and turned quickly to Crichton. “I’m sorry. I can’t resist multisyllabic words on that tongue.” He pressed a quick kiss on a stunned Crichton, then grabbed Ianto and pulled him back through the wormhole with him.

Crichton looked to his female companions. “What just happened?”


End file.
